FORT BRAGG, N.C. -- Sgt. Angelica T. Bibin wants to be an advocate for mothers in uniform.
The Paratrooper, attached to Headquarters and Headquarters Company, 2nd Battalion, 504th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division is speaking from experience. Bibin is a mother of two who recently redeployed to Fort Bragg, Oct. 8, from her second deployment to Afghanistan in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. She said her most recent service in a combat zone was the most challenging experience she has lived through in her six years of military service, and it inspired her to pen a book.
Still in its infant stages, the first chapters were typed into her cell phone's notepad application, Bibin said she hopes the book will let uniformed mothers know that they're not alone, and that the struggles they experience are shared and can be overcome.
When Bibin enlisted in the Army in 2008 after graduating from Niagara University in Lewiston, New York, she wasn't naive to the fact that enlisting meant she would eventually deploy to a combat zone--she just didn't expect deploying would be as big a sacrifice as it turned out to be.
"I was going to be married to the Army and that was what my life was going to be all about," Bibin said. "I didn't want to get married and I didn't want to have kids--then I met my husband."
The Paratrooper said her life changed. All of a sudden she envisioned a new future for herself, one that merged marriage and children with service to her country. Bibin married Staff Sgt. Daniel T. Bibin in June of 2010, and she deployed to Afghanistan for her first tour that September.
Shortly after Bibin redeployed to Fort Bragg in February of 2011, she became pregnant with her first child, William. Daniel, a military policeman, deployed when William was only six weeks old. He then redeployed in September of 2012.
"We found out by Thanksgiving that we were pregnant again," Bibin said. "That was unplanned and a little bit of a surprise."
More surprising to Bibin, though, was the news that her unit might be deploying shortly after she was scheduled to give birth to her second child.
Bibin said for most of the pregnancy she put thoughts of the potential deployment on the back burner as she and her husband focused on spending quality time with their son before his sibling was born. Then, into her eighth month of pregnancy, the Paratrooper found out she would most likely deploy six to eight months after her daughter was born. Bibin said she was floored.
"Being a female in the military you know that the regulation states that six months after you have the baby you're deployable worldwide, but you never believe it's going to happen to you," Bibin said. "I was really stressed out … knowing that I would have to leave this child that I hadn't even met yet and wasn't going to get to know."
Prior to Lillian being born, Bibin said she had never experienced such high levels of anxiety, or any type of postpartum mental health issues. But, as she held her daughter, Bibin said she knew that something was off--she didn't feel connected to her daughter beyond breastfeeding her or changing her diapers in the same way she felt connected to her son.
"I think I just detached myself from her," Bibin said.
Bibin said once she realized she didn't even want to get to know her new baby because she'd be leaving soon, though, she knew something was very wrong. She made an appointment with behavioral health and found out she was experiencing normal postpartum mental health issues that were being exacerbated by her upcoming deployment.
Finding out her emotions were normal was a relief, but knowing she was experiencing a mental health crisis was a tough pill to swallow.
"You know as Soldiers we don't want to admit something's wrong with us because there's a stigma attached to mental illness," Bibin said. "With mental illness people don't believe it's real until someone close to you has suffered immensely."
Bibin began receiving counseling and continued seeking treatment throughout her deployment. The Paratrooper said she began the healing process once her counselor armed her with an important coping tool: journaling.
Bibin said typing up her experiences empowered her because it helped her rationalize what she was experiencing and how she was responding to those experiences. The Paratrooper realized that the negative thoughts she associated with her daughter weren't legitimate and that she was lucky to have a great support network to help her through the deployment, both on the home front and abroad.
Bibin said she began thinking about what it was like for other uniformed moms--how did they cope with the everyday challenges military mother's experience? Thus came the inspiration for the book.
"I realized what I was writing had never been written before," Bibin said. "I needed to pen these thoughts [so they'd become] something that other females can relate to; dealing with the stigma of being a mother and a woman in the Army, we have to overcome all of that."
Bibin said she plans on interviewing other uniformed mothers and sharing their experiences in the book as well because an empowerment story is best told with multiple voices. She also plans on speaking during courses that pregnant Soldiers are required to attend so she can raise awareness about postpartum mental health disorders and what it's like to be a Soldier who is also a mother.
The Paratrooper said she made it through the deployment with on-going behavioral health treatment, the support of her roommate--another uniformed mother--and the aid of technology. Bibin said she looked at photographs of her children on her phone every day and used her laptop to keep in touch with her husband and children.
"Even though we were watching our children grow up through computer screens we were still getting to watch our children grow up," Bibin said.
When the long-awaited reunion came, Bibin said William recognized her right away and leapt into her arms, but Lillian was slower to come around.
The Paratrooper said she'll never forget the challenges she faced leading up to and throughout the deployment, as well as the challenge she now faces of getting to know her daughter.
"What made me keep going was that I had no choice, I made a commitment to the military and I knew that meant that I would have to deploy," Bibin said. "Having children is the most glorious thing that has ever happened to me, but I have a commitment to fulfill and what am I teaching my children if I don't fulfill that commitment?
"That was what kept me going was my responsibility to my country, and it was also my responsibility to my children to teach them what's right--not necessarily right to leave them but right to leave to fulfill my commitment and help build a better world in hopes that they don't have to fight wars," she continued. "That's why I do what I do."
Bibin said she hopes the book, once complete, will speak to uniformed mothers who serve while experiencing a variety of circumstances that are different from her own.
"I'm a [noncommissioned officer] and this wasn't my first deployment [or] my first experience in the Army," Bibin said. "But what if we have a [private first class] who has a child and she's a single mother and she has to leave, how is she going to suffer?"
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