CASERMA EDERLE, Italy -- It's a fact of life: children test boundaries. And it always happens sooner than parents are ready for it. They start having their own opinions and desires, and those ideas don't always match with ours. Like when it's time for bed and your child just refuses to stop playing and put on pajamas. You're at your wit's end, you feel disrespected, all you want is for your child to listen to what you're saying.
It's so easy to fall back on two all too typical parenting techniques -- threats and bribes. "If you don't stop playing, put your toys away, and get ready for bed, I'm going to throw your toys in the trash and there won't be any bedtime story tonight. It's time for bed, NOW!" Or how about this one: "C'mon, I'll give you a piece of candy if you finish your dinner."
Sound familiar? How many times have you stopped to think about what you're teaching your children with these kinds of statements? With just a simple change in wording and approach, parents can actually turn these moments into positive learning opportunities for children.
Let's walk through it together.
What is a threat or a bribe? A threat is a promise of punishment, and a bribe is payment for complying. When parents rely on threats and bribes to influence behavior, children learn only that they get punished for doing some things and rewarded for doing others, and most of it is all about something someone else is forcing them to do.
But what do you really want? You want your children to listen to what you're saying, take responsibility for their decisions, and understand that their choices and behaviors have consequences. So turn these situations into opportunities to teach just that. Calmly explain the direct consequences of their decisions and the result of their actions.
Instead of using this formula: If you don't do this (behavior I want), I'm going to do that (punishment), substitute, If you do it like this (you make a certain decision), then that will happen (these will be the consequences). Or instead of I'll give you this (reward), if you do that (behavior I want), substitute, First this needs to happen (action), then we can do that (result).
Going back to our original examples, try this for the bedtime problem: "Lights need to be out in 15 minutes. If you spend all that time playing and goofing off, then we won't have any time left for your bedtime story and I know that will be disappointing for you." Or this for eating dinner: "First we have to eat good growing food to make sure our bodies get what they need. Then when we're done we can have a little treat for fun."
Notice the message is the same: no bedtime story if you don't get ready for bed, and eat dinner and then you can have something sweet. But the delivery is totally different; it clearly lays out that what children do affects what happens, and it empowers them to make their own decisions while being fully aware of the consequences.
Eventually children will learn to recognize and anticipate the consequence of their decisions on their own. They'll learn to negotiate and interact in society without needing threats or bribes to force them into certain behaviors. Now those are important life lessons to learn!
Of course, this kind of learning doesn't happen immediately.
Parenting is about the long haul, and it takes an enormous amount of patience to keep repeating the same important life lessons and setting the same healthy examples over and over again. It sure isn't easy, but the rewards are astronomical.
VanderBorght is the Family Advocacy Program Parent-Child Educator. She has a Ph.D. in developmenetal psychology and is an expert in child development and parenting. Feel free to contact her directly with questions, concerns or comments at mieke.a.vanderborght.ctr@mail.mil, or DSN 634-6264.
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