Mildred Muhammad shares her story during the Domestic Violence Awareness Month kickoff event at Fort Campbell, Kentucky, Sept. 26, 2015. Muhammed was never physically abused by her husband, but endured every other kind of torment he could visit on he...
FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. -- For many victims of domestic abuse, the fear of not being believed does as much to keep them silent as threats from their abusers.
"I've been married to my wife for 35 years now, and … it's only in the last five [to] 10 years that my wife has started to share about violence in her home growing up, about alcoholism in her home," said Jonathan Hunter, deputy to the garrison commander for Fort Campbell, "about having to take her brother and sisters and go to a neighbor's house when the abuse started. It's that hard to talk about 30 years after we've been married -- almost 50 years after the incidents themselves -- that's how hard it is. So imagine when it's happening inside a Family today."
When discussing domestic violence and abuse, many people assume battery is always a factor. But the two are separate categories, and as many as 80 percent of victims of domestic abuse never have visible bruises or scars. Domestic abuse includes verbal, psychological, financial, spiritual and stalking. Domestic violence can include hitting, slapping, mutilation and sometimes death.
Mildred Muhammad, the guest speaker at a domestic violence seminar at Fort Campbell on Sept. 26, 2015, never had physical marks to prove her certainty that her ex-husband, John Muhammad, was going to kill her one day. A victim of financial, psychological, emotional and verbal abuse, Muhammad's husband never struck her, causing many of their friends and even her own Family members to shrug off his threats as jokes.
"It's not easy to leave. There are three times more shelters for animals in this country than there are for women," Muhammad said. "The theory is animals don't have a choice so we need to protect them. They can't think in order to move out of the situation, so we need to help them. Well victims of domestic violence need help, too."
She said violence toward men is different than violence toward women.
"A man can take a physical hit -- outside a knife or a gun," she said. "But a man can't take an emotional hit. Most times when you ask a man, 'How are you doing?' If he answers, 'I'm good.' There are so many emotions in those two words, because he doesn't feel that the environment that he's in is safe."
Women have friendships and retreats -- such as going to the bathroom in groups -- and other outlets that men are not privy to.
When her husband was a sergeant in the Army, he deployed as part of Operation Desert Storm as a demolitions specialist. When he returned, he was a different man.
"Before he went, he was a jovial guy, everybody wanted to be around him," Muhammad said. "He was only there for three months, but when he came back he was a different person. He no longer wanted anyone knowing what was going on in his head. He'd sit in a corner and rock back and forth. I'd say, 'Honey are you OK?' He'd say, 'I'm good.'"
When he was discharged from the Army, he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder but never treated.
"I don't want any one in here to think or believe I'm implying directly or indirectly that post-traumatic stress disorder was a reason for him to do what he did," Muhammad said. "They did not have the resources back then that they have today for PTSD in or out of the Army."
After leaving the military, the couple opened an auto-repair shop outside Fort Lewis, Washington. Soon John began cheating and Muhammad filed for divorce.
It was not until after she filed for divorce that John began terrorizing her. Muhammad spent three years running from her ex-husband. She changed her name, her appearance and lost contact with everyone but her mother, all while fighting to have her children returned to her after John took them for a weekend visit and never returned them.
The full story can be found in her book "Scared Silent."
"It's not easy being a victim of domestic violence. In fact, being a victim of domestic violence is the worst type of victim you can be," Muhammad said. "Why? Because I can be the victim of any other crime, I can be a victim of a health issue, people will come from everywhere to help you. Let me tell you I'm a victim of domestic violence, what you gonna do?"
Muhammad said the most common response she'd been met with was people either disassociating with her, or questioning her motives, assuming that they believed her at all.
"If you can ask me all them questions, then you can go clear out a room in your house so I can come and stay with you cause you're that concerned," Muhammad said. "I stayed because my children need a routine. He's making all the money and I don't have any. I tried coming to you, but you turned me away. You told me you didn't want to get involved. So what did you expect me to do, go live under a bridge? With my children? I don't have a choice."
Muhammad said the best way to help a victim of domestic violence is not to fly in like Superman, but instead talk to them away from their abuser and ask simply, "How can I help?"
"Take them to lunch," she said. "Don't call her. Don't text her. Don't send an email. [Talk] face-to-face. Don't say 'What's going on?' You already know what's going on. Don't make me go through all of that and then say, 'I'll pray for you. The Lord will make a way.'"
Although it seems like a simple question, the victim may not have an answer because no one may have ever asked it before.
"Don't say 'If I was you,' because you might be the only one who is concerned enough to ask 'How can I help you?' Instead of sounding like the abuser, telling her what to do because you know better," Muhammad said. "She's the best person to tell you what she needs."
She also recommended not pressuring victims to try to leave a situation before they feel safe, because she said 75 percent of victims who try to leave are killed.
"If someone comes to you, you must have said or done something for them to feel safe to come to you, because it is difficult to come out of my comfort zone and say, 'Can you help me?'" Muhammad said.
Muhammad reminded the audience that Army Community Services has many programs for victims of domestic violence and domestic abuse. She recommended anyone who suspects they know a victim of domestic abuse but does not feel close enough to take them to lunch or offer help should direct the victim to ACS.
"Many people don't know that the resources are available," she said. "So bringing more awareness, telling my story may resonate with someone in the audience who is in a domestic violence relationship, but because they don't have physical scars, they don't feel like they are victims."
She said she hoped by sharing her story she might be able to encourage other people in nonviolent abusive relationships to go to ACS for help before the situation escalates.
"It's difficult [to get help] because most times the abuser is very well-liked, and because the abuser is very well-liked it's hard to get well-meaning people to understand this person is an abuser," Muhammad said. "So they have to try to rationalize that in their minds -- that he's only showing us what he wants us to see and not what he's actually doing at home."
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