Perhaps you’re out with friends drinking and pretending everything is fine while inside your heart feels shredded. Or you’re sitting alone on your couch, your home empty and silent. The fact is, you miss your spouse or significant other, and that’s OK. It’s normal. The end of a relationship requires grieving.
“It’s a loss,” said Col. Liquori Etheridge, Deputy Army Director of Psychological Health, Behavioral Health Division, Office of the Surgeon General, and a licensed clinical social worker.
Etheridge said that after a loss there is a wide range of normal responses people should expect to experience. Although it will vary by individual, some normal reactions after a divorce or breakup include sadness, isolating or ruminating on the circumstances that led to the breakup. Anxiety can also be a normal reaction especially if kids are involved and parents worry about how they will maintain a strong relationship. People may also wonder if they will ever find love or be able to trust again, Etheridge said.
When a relationship ends, people cope with the loss in different ways—some healthy, some unhealthy. Some may turn to substances, including alcohol, or exercise or eating, said Dr. Nathaan Demers a licensed psychologist and adviser for the Colorado-based male mental health campaign Man Therapy. Man Therapy uses humor to encourage help-seeking among working-age men. The campaign offers resources on a wide range of topics, from divorce and relationships to issues affecting a military population.
“A lot of times people turn to things in excess— in that they’re trying to fill what feels like a void,” said Demers.
“What’s most important is trying to be able to actually face those emotions, rather than trying to bury them.”
For example, feeling like a failure is common after a divorce or breakup, Demers said. However, every relationship has ups and downs, and relationships end for many different reasons. Yes, it can be your fault, but it can also be the fault of your partner, or it can be something as simple as timing—many of us have met the right person but at the wrong point in our lives, he said.
“A very healthy first step is being able to confidently say, ‘I am not a failure because this relationship failed,’” Demers said.
Another common theme when relationships end is blame. Soldiers in particular may blame themselves because of the stress Army life puts on Families and relationships. Long work hours, absences for training, going on deployments—all of that may make Soldiers feel like they are to blame, said Etheridge. But a job, even a stressful one like the Army, is not to blame.
“Doing a job does not cause a divorce or a breakup of a relationship,” said Etheridge. “What choice, other than not doing your job, does an individual have?”
Etheridge said it’s important for Soldiers to understand that maybe their partner was not able to cope with Army life, and that’s OK; it doesn’t make their partner a bad person. How a partner handles Army life is not something a Soldier can control.
Sometimes the Soldier may actually be to blame for the end of the relationship, like in the case of infidelity. But Demers and Etheridge both said that even if a person made a mistake, self-compassion, forgiveness and introspection are key.
Etheridge said individuals should work to accept their role in the dissolution of their relationship, accept that their behavior was not conducive to a healthy relationship and accept that “they have to work through a process of self-forgiveness and also work through the process of understanding why they were engaging in behavior that adversely impacted their relationship.”
“We’ve all made decisions that we are not proud of … and a helpful step to move forward is having a little bit of compassion for ourselves and being able to say, ‘I effed up, I understand why I effed up, I was doing the best I could with what I had at that time,’” said Demers.
Providing a genuine apology can be another step, which includes taking ownership for the ‘why’ behind the mistake and how one plans to change behavior so it doesn’t happen again, Demers said.
Before moving on to the next relationship, Etheridge recommends that Soldiers do a self-assessment. People need to know their personal strengths and weaknesses, like if they tend to have a temper or if they lack healthy communication skills, he said. They need to know if they have unresolved childhood or trust issues, and also why they want to be in a relationship and what they are willing to put into it. This can give them a road map of what they need to work on—and then they should do the work, he said.
“A person has to have a good understanding of who they are as an individual before getting into a relationship,” Etheridge said.
For those currently going through a breakup or divorce, if some of those normal feelings like self-blame, ruminating, sadness or anxiety are becoming severe or persisting for a long time, it’s time to seek help, Etheridge said.
They can seek help from a professional but also from community organizations or from friends.
“There’s no ‘team of one’ within any of the armed forces for a specific reason,” Demers said.
If a friend, or even someone in the unit you don’t know well, is going through a divorce or breakup, it’s important to check on them, he said. Sometimes people think they’re not equipped to handle these types of conversations because they’re not a professional; however, simply asking how someone is doing can be a lifeline when times are rough.
“Showing up and asking how someone is actually doing is incredibly important,” Demers said.
“Most people have been in relationships, and just about all people have had successful relationships and have had unsuccessful relationships. When we’re approaching these conversations, I think it’s really important to remember that we’ve all been there and know how hard it can be.”
He recommends people schedule a time to ask the person how they are doing, ensure they’re in a private setting and take the time to listen.
Thank them for talking to you, let them know that you won’t bring this up again during work (so they’re not anxious all week thinking you may say something at the wrong time), but also schedule another chat to follow up with the person so they know you care and want to help, Demers said.
A Soldier can start the conversation by simply saying, “Seems like you’ve been off recently; is everything OK?” or “You’ve seemed a bit stressed. Is there anything going on I can help with or talk about?” he said.
If you reach out but the person is not ready to talk, there are other resources available to them.
“For some men, the first, most comfortable step might be visiting a website that’s confidential and anonymous,” Demers said. “No one’s going to know about it. They can do it in the comfort of their barracks—wherever it might be—on their phone. And they can just start to understand that they’re not alone. They’re not the first person to be experiencing this, and (knowing that) is really important.”
For those going through a breakup who are ready for professional help, Military OneSource provides confidential, non-medical counseling at no cost to service members and their Families. Visit www.militaryonesource.mil to learn more. If you’re having thoughts of suicide, call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 and press 1 for the Veterans/Military Crisis Line.
Social Sharing