FORT JACKSON, S.C. (Oct. 23, 2014) -- The famous educator and author Anna Julia Cooper once said, "The cause of freedom is not the cause of a race or sect, a party or class -- it is the cause of human kind; the very birthright of humanity."
This quote is my favorite because it epitomizes the way I feel, advocating for people whose freedom to grow and flourish as a human being is jeopardized by domestic violence.
Domestic violence is about having power over and controlling another person through battering, using threats, isolation, and emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. This control may include denying access to money, friends, family, school, birth control and any other support system beneficial to the person's well-being. It is premeditated, calculating, manipulative and designed to benefit the abuser. Sometimes it starts out so subtly the victim does not realize what is happening, at first.
Many people have experienced the thrill of a new relationship -- the excitement, giddiness, hopefulness that something wonderful is happening. Is this the person with whom I will finally be able to settle down and have children?
During this time, the abuser is not going to slap the victim and then ask her (or him) out on another date. On the contrary, the abuser will be charming, sensitive, caring and concerned about all the details of the victim's life. The victim feels safe and will trust the abuser with personal desires, fears and life goals that, further in the relationship, will be used against him or her.
But little by little the waters will be tested with each concession by the victim giving the abuser more control.
At first, it may be a suggestion to wear a different style of clothing, or maybe a suggestion to go with a different phone carrier and a phone provided to the victim by the abuser. Then the accusations may come, the subtle put-downs. "Why do you hang out with them?" "Why were you looking at that man/woman?" "You are not smart enough to start your own business."
The abuser will blame the victim for behaving badly. The abuser will not take responsibility for his or her actions. Some abusers will resort to stalking or calling the victims several times a day to keep tabs on them. No matter how the abuse starts, it will only escalate, putting the victim in more danger.
By the time we become aware that our friend, sister, brother or child is involved in an abusive relationship the victim is psychologically worn down, confused and scared. We must be a lifeline for them -- ready and available to help. We must be nonjudgmental, patient and empathetic to their reluctance to break the silence.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org has help for family and friends of those involved in abusive relationships. You may also call 1-800-799-7233 to speak with an advocate. At Fort Jackson you may call the Family Advocacy Program at 751-6325 for assistance.
Everyone deserves to be free to flourish and live up to their greatest potential -- it's our birthright.
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