FORT RILEY, Kan. -- I'm also that Soldier with all the problems. Name a problem, and I have had it in the last two years. I've had legal problems, financial problems, family problems, and Army problems. I'm the Soldier always coming to my supervisor about an appointment or a court date that will cause me to miss more work. Oh, and in the middle of things, my grandma died. On many days in the past two years, my biggest accomplishment was to physically show up at work. I'm that Soldier.
We all go to the mandatory training. We hear the talks on suicide prevention, and, let's face it, we've probably joked about the training. We are told to directly ask others whether they are thinking of hurting themselves, and sometimes we do that -- like when the barrista makes a latte wrong or the car won't start right before physical training.
Sometimes those classes seem silly when facing real situations. What will my life really mean if I do not have physical custody of my children? How will I provide for my family if I have to leave the Army? How can I pay my bills and buy groceries? If you are facing those questions, you are not alone. Those are only a few of the questions I have had to wrestle with over the past few years.
I know someone is struggling out there, and you need real answers, not a PowerPoint slideshow. Well, I won't sugarcoat it. Here's the answer: there is no magic to get out of a bad situation. However, I will share the things that have helped me weather the storm and emerge stronger (yes, stronger) on the other side.
Change your expectations. Looking back, some of my problems came from my misguided expectations. How could I make bad decisions and expect good consequences? Also, setbacks and failures are a normal part of life and are valuable experiences for us. It's not realistic to expect life to go well all the time. While we should expect difficulties, we should not allow those difficulties to define us. A wise chaplain once told me, "Failure is an event, not a person." Once I changed my expectations and refused to allow my problems to define me, I found specific actions that helped me face my challenges.
Change your mind. You can only change yourself, and you can only take responsibility for your actions. I began addressing the parts of the problems within my control (in case you're asking, the only part of any of my problems that I could control was myself). Books, YouTube meditation tutorials, and meditation apps all helped me learn mental skills to combat the anxiety that I (appropriately) felt about my situation. I even found that cheesy affirmations worked. We may make fun of the BRO charge, but it is effective to tell yourself "I am brave" or "I am responsible." Now when I run, I tell myself, "I am calm, confident and capable." This mantra measurably improved my performance. You can treat dealing with difficult events the same way that you treat playing a sport or a musical instrument. I learned that I could anticipate and practice my response to difficult events ahead of time. You will certainly have unexpected car repairs or family issues. Before those things happen, visualize how you can respond to those situations with courage and integrity.
Use your smartphone to find solutions to your problems. We have more available information than any other generation, but we use it to find out what Kate Middleton or Meghan Markle wore to the latest garden party. Stop that. If you have financial problems, use your phone to find out how other people are facing those problems. If you have relationship problems, use your phone to find a class or book that can help you. With my smart phone, I found a Divorce Care class at a local church that was very helpful to me. I found a budget app that changed my financial planning. I found cheap or free furniture on Bookoo. Your phone is a tool, not just a toy.
Practice appropriate coping mechanisms. If you already have problems, you will only make them worse with drugs, alcohol and sex. Self-medicating only delays the pain that you must feel to effectively process and deal with your problems. It also keeps you from making rational decisions. Choose coping mechanisms that built your physical and mental strength. For me, running and weightlifting improved my physical and emotional functioning. I have come to count on the endorphin rush of a long or fast run to boost my mood, and I have rebuilt my confidence watching my physical strength increase. Besides, I am broke and the gym is free.
Do not face your problems alone. I learned that there will be times when no one can bear the pain of my problems for me. However, as Soldiers, we have a vast array of resources that will help us face particular parts of our situation. I have a chaplain that I trust, and when I was in my darkest moments, I could call him for a pep talk. I have seen multiple counselors, including competent professionals here at IACH. My children have seen counselors paid for by Tricare. When I didn't have furniture, I borrowed from the Army Community Services lending closet. I've used so many resources: Military and Family Life Consultants, Army OneSource, Family Advocacy Program, Legal Assistance. My supervisors and colleagues in the Army family are my biggest resource. Much of my furniture came from families who were PCSing or had heard about my difficulties. When colleagues PCSed or went TDY, they gave me their perishable food, saving me money on my grocery bill. But no one knows to help you until you ask for help. If you don't know where to start, go to someone you trust and talk to them.
Chances are they have ideas you may not have considered.
In sum, I'm not offering you any easy fixes. However, I can tell you that there is a life worth living on the other side of your problems. My journey is far from over, but I can give you some concrete examples of my progress. I arrived at Fort Riley with only the belongings that fit in my van. Now my house is fully furnished, and I spent less than $400 on furniture. Last year I ran the Prairie Run in about 1:35. This year I ran it in 1:26:55, and I qualified for Fort Riley's Army 10 Miler Team. Early last year I was unsure if I'd be able to have any parenting time with my kids, but now they are returning to school here for a second year.
Please don't give up. If I can do it, you can do it.
I am Capt. Graci Bozarth, and I am a Big Red One Soldier.
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