VICENZA, Italy -- You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk? Clichéd phrases aside, the message couldn't be more important for parents: Words are easy to say and directives are easy to dole out, but kids learn better by watching what you're doing rather than listening to what you're saying.
From the very first days of life, babies imitate: Stick your tongue out at a newborn and she'll stick her tongue right back out at you. That tendency to imitate will continue throughout childhood, and beyond. Ever catch your child putting his hand on his hip just the way you do? Or how about repeating your exact words when arguing with a friend? Guess where they learned it from -- go on, take a guess. I'll give you half a second to figure it out.
Imitation is such a basic, automatic process, we can even see it happen inside the brain. All humans -- and even some other species -- have something called mirror neurons. These are special neurons that fire not only when you do a particular action, but also when you observe someone else doing that action. That means that the brain activity of the person watching is sometimes the same as that of the person doing. So those neurons may be firing as your children are watching you, but they sure aren't when they're listening to you. Imagine how powerful it is then when children observe what their parents are doing.
To bring this into concrete terms, let's look at some examples. How about the classics of telling your children to say hello or goodbye to people as you greet or leave them, or the reminders to "say please and thank you," or finally that all-too-common directive to "say you're sorry!" Sure, children might eventually comply with your demands -- when you're around instructing them to do so.
What's more, they certainly won't internalize these societal niceties as natural, normal ways to talk to people.
Want a better way? Let your children watch you greet them and others with a smile and a friendly, "Hello!" When you ask your children, your partner, or anyone else to do something, say please. And when they do it, thank them. And when you've made a mistake -- let's say you've yelled at your kids -- model making amends: Apologize, simply and sincerely.
This modeling idea is so big that it goes beyond language -- way beyond. Children will learn not only how to be polite in society, but also how to resolve conflict; deal with adversity; act in a relationship; use (or not use) drugs, alcohol or tobacco; maintain a healthy diet; use screens and technology reasonably; and much, much more simply by watching what you do. Want your children to respect you? Show them respect. Want them to work through their problems calmly and with words? Turn down your own emotional reactivity around them: Don't yell in front of them, don't spank them, and let them see you practicing calm, effective ways to work through conflict. Want them to have a healthy relationship with food and a positive body image? Let them see you eating well, and taking good care of and appreciating your body.
One final example is a biggie for our 21st century culture. Remember that your children are what's called "digital natives" and have never known a world without smart phones, social media and tablets constantly at our fingertips. For them, this is all normal, and that's fine because it's the world we're in. However, you still have an enormous amount of control over establishing what normal use of all these devices is. Are you constantly on your phone, forever tuning out to the world around you, getting in the thick of social media drama, posting mean things online? Your "mini me" watching you do all this will not only follow you, but, being digital natives, has the capacity to take it much farther than you could ever imagine. Because of this, it's our duty as parents to be particularly careful, thoughtful and purposeful with what kind of behavior we're modeling for our children around screens.
So sure, the "do as I say, not as I do" approach works. If you want your kids to say what you're saying and do what you're doing, that is. It won't be successful however, if you expect your children to listen to what you tell them when that doesn't match what you yourself are doing. The solution is simple: Model the behavior you want your children to learn, and they'll pick it up it no time.
VanderBorght is a Child Development Specialist/Media Educator and Family Advocacy Program Parent-Child Educator and Emergency Placement Coordinator for U.S. Army Garrison Italy.
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