When he tells his story, 1st Sgt. Landon Jackson puts it bluntly.
"On March 31, 2015, I was one turn of a key away from putting a gun to my head," he says.
The key would open the gun safe in Jackson's Stafford County home and, he says, had he turned it, he is sure he would not be here to tell his story today.
Instead, Jackson got help. Hoping to help others, Jackson shared his story at a suicide prevention training session for leaders, April 19, at the Fort Belvoir Officers' Club.
Jackson joined the Army in 1996 and deployed five times to Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan before coming to the 55th Ordnance Company at Belvoir in 2013.
Jackson says his struggles began to surface after his second deployment to Afghanistan, but he assured anyone who asked that he was fine. By 2015, Jackson says, he was deep in a battle with PTSD, but it took him a while to realize that and to seek help.
"I felt like it was too hard to keep living," Jackson said at the suicide prevention training. "People would ask me if I was ok and I say, 'Yeah. I was fine.'"
Jackson said he was unable to sleep much during that time and, when he did, he had nightmares. Loud noises startled him. Jackson said he began to struggle to keep up at work, but still, when anyone asked, he insisted he was fine.
"I think I was really good at acting like everything was OK. Faking was really the only thing I was good at," he said.
Jackson said his wife was the only one who could tell he needed help, but he ignored her pleas for him to talk to someone.
"I never took it seriously. I just kept soldiering on, deploying, making a career of it," he said.
Jackson said, at his wife's insistence, he went to behavioral health for counseling in 2009, after he returned from Iraq and before his final deployment to Afghanistan. But, he said he "wasn't going for the right reasons" and so, it didn't help.
In 2013, Jackson and his family moved to Virginia. At first, things were better, he said.
"For the first time in a long time, I wasn't preparing to deploy. It was more conducive to family life. It was good for a while," he said.
Soon, however, with the extra downtime, things got worse and, Jackson said, he started experiencing more anxiety, depression and angry outbursts at his wife and children.
By March 2015 Jackson said his wife was ready to leave him.
"My wife said, 'You need to get some serious help,'" he said. "I didn't realize it then, but that was the best thing she could have done for our family."
Jackson said he called behavioral health the next day and was unable to get an appointment, but talked to a doctor there for about an hour.
"At that point, I felt better," he said.
But soon, things continued to escalate. Jackson and his wife separated, and he stayed with friends for a while.
"At first I was OK with it, but after a while, I began to feel hopelessness, helplessness … I really started to think suicidal thoughts. I started to think my family would be better off without me," he said.
The turning point came on March 31, 2015. Jackson stopped by his house to drop some things off for his wife while she was at work and the children were at school. Jackson said he sat on his bed and started to think of a plan to end his life. He put the key in his gun safe, but he didn't turn it.
"I don't know why I stopped," he said. "I don't know if it was seeing my wife's clothes in the closet, or thinking about my children, or what."
Jackson drove himself to the emergency room. He was admitted for two weeks to the hospital where he received counseling and, for the first time, began to talk about his deployments and the things that bothered him. Things like yoga, art therapy and combat trauma therapy helped Jackson to open up about his struggles, he said.
"There are things that happen in Iraq and Afghanistan that we just don't talk about. For the first time, I really talked about that," he said.
Jackson said his struggles are similar to those experienced by many Explosive Ordnance Disposal Soldiers. Last year, Jackson said, he lost three friends to suicide.
To help others going through the same things he did, Jackson and two other EOD Soldiers formed After the Long Walk, a group of active-duty, retired and former EOD Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines who staff a 24-hour phone line for members of the EOD community suffering from depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
"I'm a big fan of peer-to-peer," Jackson said. "We set up the 24-hour phone line so, if you are in the EOD community, you know you can call and talk to someone who can relate to you."
Jackson said he wanted to share his story at the suicide prevention training to communicate to leaders that they need to pay attention to their Soldiers and encourage them to get help when needed.
"We need to encourage other veterans and active duty to talk about their struggles," Jackson said. "Once they've made that decision to end their lives, it's very hard to dissuade someone. So, we've got to reach them before they reach that point."
For more information about After the Long Walk, visit www.afterthelongwalk.com.
Suicide prevention resources:
After the Long Walk (24-hour phone line for EOD techs): 888-412-0470
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
Military OneSource: 1-800-342-9647
Social Sharing