WIESBADEN, Germany - With a steady voice and unwavering stance, Julie Wahlers shared her life's weakest and strongest moments with a roomful of strangers, coworkers, neighbors and friends.?
"I was literally looking into the eyes of victims I was helping and thinking, 'By the grace of God, there go I,'" said Julie Wahlers, reflecting on a time in her life she was both victim and heroine, counseling women suffering from domestic violence while she herself was returning home every night to her partner's scathing words and blows.
In excruciating detail, she shared her story publicly for the first time at FAP's third annual "Take Back the Night" domestic violence awareness event Oct. 22 at the Army Community Service cafeteria.
Wahlers, now a victim advocate coordinator with U.S. Army Garrison Wiesbaden Family Advocacy Program, suffered an abusive relationship for seven years before finally breaking free.
For those in attendance her story was the stark reality of what results when victims don't seek help and bystanders don't intervene. It brought home the significance of the results of the FAP social experiment "Thanks for Asking" event that featured volunteers made up to appear bruised and beaten with the intention of encouraging inquiry toward intervention.
Victim Advocate Amy Congdon explained that the event was intended to be a "bystander intervention gauge." Out of a total of 225 face-to-face interactions with others, 46 verbally inquired about the marks for a "success" rate of just 20 percent. Those who didn't ask instead stared, avoided and even ridiculed the imitative victims.
"We were shielded, shrouded, ignored and laughed at," said Congdon. "I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is not good enough. I ended my day feeling alone. I can only imagine if I had to go home to an abusive relationship."
But that was the life Wahlers lived for nearly a decade.
After moving to Puerto Rico to be with her boyfriend, she said he would sit and watch her at work, chastising her for being too friendly with customers. He systematically isolated her from her friends and family. He threw away her birth control pills, forced her to run laps at the tracks and took away her food because "she was getting too fat."
She said when she found out she was pregnant, she found the courage to leave -- but he eventually wormed his way back into her life.
"Somehow he convinced me I was always doing something wrong," she said. "[And] I was convincing myself that my daughter needs her father. What I know now is kids who witness domestic violence do worse on every test we give them."
She said she filed restraining orders against him in three counties, but he always found her, even breaking into her apartment until one day when he went too far.
He demanded she take him to the ATM, and when she refused, he dragged her by the hair down the street. She and her daughter hid at his sister's house, huddling under the bed when he came looking for her. It was 1995 -- the last time she saw him.
"I was raised in a suburban middle-class home in Washington State," she said. "There's no reason this should have happened to me, but it did."
One in four women and one in seven men will become domestic victims in their lives, she added. She offered advice for intervening: Find a time to be alone with the suspected victim, such as the bathroom -- a safe place to talk.
"You could say, 'I saw the way your husband was talking to you, and it made me uncomfortable. Do you need any help?'" she said. "But the hardest part of my job is respecting when someone doesn't want or need help."
A moment of silence was observed to honor domestic violence victims, and Doug Earle, deputy to the garrison commander, read the official domestic violence awareness proclamation for USAG Wiesbaden.
"In recent years, there has been an upward trend in substantiated cases of domestic violence in the Army. It is important to realize that many causes and conditions contribute to domestic violence, and it takes more than the usual effort to reduce the risk. We should never assume that someone else is solving the problem for us," he said. "Relationships should be safe, respectful and positive."
Letisha Henry sang the national anthem, and Monae Kouneski and Joey Ibarra performed Christina Aguilera's song "I Am Okay."
Nearly 200 people attended the event, including the entire Warriors varsity football team. Coach Steve Jewell acknowledged his players get so many accolades and attention, it's their duty to give back -- and strengthen their character on and off the field.
"Football teaches the traits of discipline and respect. It's important to follow the same rules in your relationships." he said. "This is a great event we'll support again."
Michelle Stosich, FAP program manager, thanked the community for their support and remarked that the event continues to grow.
"Our mission is the prevention of violence," she said. "It's so rewarding when we can present that to the community in a positive way. The strength of the group can really make a difference."
For more information about FAP, visit www.wiesbaden.army.mil/sites/mwr/FAP.asp.
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