FORT GORDON, Ga. (June 20, 2014) - There are thousands of parenting books covering an array of topics, but the vast majority focus on children. Hal Runkel's book "ScreamFree Parenting" challenges parents to reconsider this focus.
Runkel, world-renowned licensed marriage and family therapist, presents 12 principles for calm and connected parenting. Each principle supports the idea that you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of your children.
Diondra Johnson was personally trained by Runkel on what it means to be scream free. She believes in its effectiveness so much that she began offering classes through Army Community Service.
"Scream-free parenting is an entirely different concept from putting kids first," said Johnson, licensed social worker, New Parent Support Program. "They look at it from the perspective of in order to be a highly effective parent, you have to put yourself first."
During a recent Scream- Free Parenting class, Johnson used the analogy of donning oxygen masks during an airplane emergency. In order to properly assist others, you have to be OK first.
"We believe you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of your children, and that applies to just about everything in life," Johnson said.
It's a new concept for Spc. Joshua Cortez and wife, Monica, whose children are 3 and 5 years old.
"Everybody says to put the kids first, and so that's what we've grown up doing and thought it was the right way," said Joshua, licensed nurse practitioner, Dwight D. Eisenhower Army Medical Center.
" Your life does not revolve around your kids," Johnson said. "Your kids' lives revolve around you."
One misconception parents have about focusing on themselves is a notion that it's selfish. In the case of ScreamFree Parenting, it's not only unselfish, but it's crucial. It involves learning how to control your emotional reactivity, which if uncontrolled, can create the very response you were trying to avoid.
"Being able to control myself and having the power to know how to discipline or what to say instead of just overreacting is helpful," Monica said.
"We act just as immature as our child when we lose our cool, and it usually doesn't work," Runkel said.
Instead, parents should ask, "how do I respond in such a way that creates a possibility that the child will do the right thing on their own?"
Another principle Runkel introduced is the idea that parents are not responsible for their children but instead to their children. He explained parents cannot control their child's every move, but they can give tools to help them make the right choice. It's up to the child whether they comply or defy.
"The 'responsible to' parent gives the child the message that he is a capable, competent individual and that the parent has confidence in his abilities, thus building a solid foundation for the growth of an independent, responsible, selfdirected adult," Runkel said.
Specialist Matthew Barnes, military policeman with 35th Military Police Detachment, said he was skeptical at first, but now understands.
"It actually makes a lot of sense," said Barnes, father of three. "My responsibility is not for them, but to make sure they have what they need to make the right choices."
ScreamFree Parenting classes are held the second Wednesday of each month at the Family Outreach Center from 1 to 3 p.m. Johnson encourages parents of children of all ages to attend. Those who attend will receive a ScreamFree Parenting workbook and DVD set for further discussion and learning at home. For more information about the class or to register, call (706) 791-6899/3579.
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