FORT DRUM, N.Y. -- When people hear about domestic abuse cases, many question why the victim stays with his or her abuser so long before seeking help.
Susan Still, a women's rights activist, shared her personal story of abuse with Fort Drum Soldiers, civilians, counselors and educators Thursday at the Multipurpose Auditorium. She endured abuse from her husband for 24 years before she finally left him and sought help.
Still said domestic violence victims leave their abusers an average of seven times before they actually leave for good.
In her case, the relationship didn't start off bad. Still said she met her husband when she was 18 and he was in his mid-20s. A member of a popular local band, he was a great, charismatic musician.
"I was trying to live the dream. My dream was no different than anybody else's, and when I met him, I felt he was the one who could fulfill that dream with me," Still explained. "Our relationship was good. They don't take us home after the first date and beat us."
An abuser's power and control set in over time, she said. For Still, her husband didn't want her to leave the house at night when he was away at band practice. He told her he was afraid for her safety and she shouldn't leave the house alone.
"I thought that was so sweet, and I agreed," she said. "When I agreed to that, I set a precedent for our relationship for years beyond."
Over the next 24 years, her husband gradually became more and more controlling, possessive and manipulative. He finally became physically abusive after she forgot an item at the grocery store.
Although Still's husband never physically harmed their three children, the abuse didn't end with her. The children often played witness to their father's abuse. Their middle child was even forced to videotape a 54-minute abusive episode that included 13 minutes of physical abuse, while the rest of the video portrayed her husband demeaning and verbally abusing her in front of their children.
"A lot of people who see that video ask 'what were you thinking?'" Still said. "When I see it (now) … I ask myself the same thing and 'how did I get to be that person on that video?'"
"I was not a person with a self-esteem issue," she continued. "I was a happy person who was looking forward to my life. I never envisioned I would end up there."
When she was being abused, she said her mind was set on survival -- how to avoid physical confrontation, make her escape and protect her children -- but she also began blaming herself. His constant verbal abuse and manipulation convinced Still and her children that it was all her fault.
"He had broken me," Still said. "How can one individual break down another individual to that level? How many times does somebody have to call you something before you start believing it about yourself?"
After the last beating Still received before she left, she said her husband threatened one of their sons that he would be next to receive a beating if he didn't start behaving.
"It's one thing to lay his hands on me, but it was totally different that he thought he was going to lay his hands on my child and I was going to think that's OK," she said. "That's when I made the decision that I was going to get out and that I was going to live."
'Today is the day'
She was black and blue all over after the night of the video, but she caked on makeup to cover the bruises so he wouldn't see them when she left the house for work. Previously, he made her stay at home if she was noticeably bruised.
For some time leading up to the day Still left her abuser, her boss began suspecting something was wrong at home. Besides the bruises, she began noticing that Still called her husband "master" when talking with him on the phone. What Still didn't know was that every time her boss noticed a new injury, she made a notation on a calendar.
"(Usually), he would hit me in places that wouldn't show," she said. "That day, my whole face was bruised. When I got to work I told my boss that 'today is the day.'"
She took her two youngest children, and they went to a home for battered women and children in another city. Her daughter, a young adult at the time, chose to stay with her father.
Her lawyer wanted the children to testify against their father, but in an attempt to save them from the pain, Still requested that the judge watch the video of her being abused and then offer her husband a plea bargain. The judge offered a sentence of no more than four years in prison. Still's husband hired and fired four attorneys -- all of whom told him to take the plea bargain -- but he refused, and the trial began.
The children were forced to testify against their father, but each one handled it differently -- the oldest testified in favor of her father, the middle child was split between both parents and the youngest son testified against his father.
The testimonies, video and record of abuse from her boss substantiated the years of abuse Still endured while married to her husband.
In 2004, her husband was sentenced to a landmark 36 years in prison -- the longest sentence the New York Supreme Court has ever given for domestic violence where the victim survived.
Still now speaks to educators, counselors, law enforcement officials, attorneys and victim advocates to help spread awareness about domestic violence and abusive relationships. She encourages people to reach out to those who might be in abusive relationships. Even if the victims aren't ready to leave the relationships, keep records and be a supportive ally until they are ready.
Symptoms of abuse
Abuse can come in many forms. The National Domestic Violence Hotline website states that a person could be in an abusive relationship if their partner:
- Embarrasses them with putdowns
- Gives them intimidating looks
- Controls their life -- where they go, who they speak with
- Prevents them from seeing friends or family
- Takes their money or refuses to give them money
- Makes all decisions
- Threatens to take away their children because they're a bad parent
- Blames all abuse on them, denies it or acts like abusing them is a normal part of the day
- Destroys their belongings or even threatens their pets
- Intimidates with weapons
- Shoves, slaps, chokes or hits them
- Threatens to hurt or kill the victim or themselves
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