“My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man,
And the call to serve his country, not all can understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me.
I love the man I married. Patriotism is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the military wife.” " author unknown
By Anna Lewinska-Kopper
Special to the Herald Union
Army spouse and nurse
WIESBADEN, Germany - Amy Burnett, a nurse practitioner at the Wiesbaden Health Clinic who has been the wife of a military intelligence officer for almost two years, said she dislikes being labeled a dependent. Saying she doesn’t want her life to be only about the military, she tries to strike a healthy balance between life inside and outside the military. Establishing friendships both inside and outside the military is important, she said, adding that she plans to eventually get a PhD in nursing.
Brought together in the military
Kathrin Loeffert, a full-time mom and military wife for the past eight years, met her husband, Ethan, a pilot, while in the military.
The circumstances were not very romantic, she said. “We had showers every fourth day. I was in the same uniform every day, no makeup, sweating … this is how my husband saw me and he loved me.”
When they got married and had their first child, Kathrin tried to combine her military career with a mom role. Maternity leave was only six weeks long and afterward she got back to work as a military intelligence officer.
“I was breastfeeding during lunch breaks after or before my regular PTs,” she said.
She decided to become a stay-at-home mother and leave the military as the couple planned to make the family bigger.
“There is not enough respect for women staying at home,” Loeffert added, saying their hard work raising children and maintaing a warm home is often underappreciated.
Despite being a busy mom, Loeffert finds time to be the president of the Military Council of Catholic Women. She is also one of the authors of a blog called www.buildingcathedrals.com.
Love and marriage in times of wars and deployments
Martha Kem, a military wife for 20 years, is raising her three children while her husband John, a colonel with the Corps of Engineers, is serving in Afghanistan.
Martha and John met in Germany where she was a military nurse. Her job as a commissioned officer, deployments to Saudi Arabia and Iraq and also having had a father in the Air Force, prepared her for military life, she said.
John deployed during Operation Desert Storm in 1990 right before their wedding which had to be postponed.
Martha was sent to Iraq in 1991 where she helped set up a hospital and treated mostly Iraqi casualties. When she was about to leave that mission and return to Saudi Arabia, her husband managed to find her location in the desert by getting the grid coordinates. Their short but so emotional meeting was only 10 minutes long and they decided on a new marriage date.
After the wedding and getting pregnant, Martha decided to leave the Army. “I didn’t want to see my children raised by someone else, relatives or nannies and not me.”
Since then they’ve moved nine times in the United States and overseas.
Martha said she likes helping other people. That has included helping an Iraqi family build a new life in the United States " John’s Iraqi translator and his family who were threatened for cooperating with American forces. Martha and John supported their immigration process, taking them under their own roof and helping them find a job and apartment.
Martha is looking forward to the happy return of her spouse from another mission.
Staying cool under fire
Rachel (she requested her last name not be used in this article), a former military policewoman; now works as a secretary on base. She has been a military wife for 22 years and is the mother of three children.
Together with her spouse’s 25 years in the military she has a lot of experience coping with the challenges of military life. Her husband has been on many dangerous missions and still leaves for some shorter periods.
Rachel said she tries to be down-to-earth and pragmatic. She takes things as they are and doesn’t like to complain outside of her close circle of friends.
“Don’t believe everything you see in TV or the Internet,” she said, adding that difficult circumstances such as deployments should never be an excuse for betrayal: “What if your husband were a traveling salesman or a truck driver? It’s the same. The spouse will be alone for long periods of time. If your character is so weak, maybe you should have a dog to keep you company.”
But most of all, it’s important to get out of the house and get busy with work, hobbies or volunteering, Rachel said, adding that she enjoys spending time with other military spouses, actively involved with Family Readiness Groups and helping raise funds to support Soldiers and family members.
Army benefits
All of those interviewed said they appreciate being a part of a military community. Following their spouses gives them the unique opportunity to travel round the globe and broaden their horizons.
“Our (civilian) friends are losing jobs now, the unemployment is so unpredictable and so we don’t want to take our situation for granted,” said Loeffert. “We make a nice living, and I can stay at home with our kids.”
The military spouses said they also appreciate the health care benefits, cheaper gas prices and different facilities making military family life easier, such as day care centers, tax assistance and military stores.
“You meet people who have so much in common, and I love how people here support each other,” said Kem. “They help you with child care and they will visit you in the hospital when you get sick.”
Stresses of deployment
One of the top challenges is the frequent absence and deployments of their partners. Children are born and raised without the presence of both parents. When the first child of Kathrin and Ethan Loeffert was born, Ethan was sent to Iraq as a helicopter pilot and she stayed alone with a tiny baby faraway from relatives.
“Whenever I wouldn’t hear from him for a while, I feared something might have happened to him,” she said.
“I rely on my faith and pray for him every day,” said Kem. “I also try to stay close to positive people who inspire me. I have made some great friends, especially in my church. I often go to soccer games with my son. I read a lot. And fortunately, we can Skype with my husband, not like years earlier.”
“It’s wasted energy to worry about something we cannot control,” said Rachel. “My husband has been in the military for 25 years; he is prepared and well-trained.”
Burnett said when her spouse is deployed, she sends him care packages, cookies and sweet notes. “That’s so important and gives him a lift he needs.”
Ups and downs in relations
Deployments can be a test of relationships. While separated, people can grow apart.
Husbands work long hours and are often tired and stressed.
Burnett said it’s important to set rules at home such as having dinners together at 7 p.m. and then turning off the television by 9 p.m. " making time to spend quality time together. “We love getting out and doing things together. On weekends we go hiking, biking; we work out. No TV and no video games. And when he’s in need to yell, I give him a moment to do that and listen to him and support him. We always put each other first.”
Following rules
While discipline, following rules and fulfilling obligations are demanded in the military, they apply to spouses as well. Spouses are often expected to behave in a certain way " to be involved in the military community.
If a military spouse gets into any trouble, for example, gets a speeding ticket, her spouse’s unit must be informed.
The military sees you as a dependent and everything about you is related to your husband and his rank, said Burnett.
“My husband’s rank and SSN are on my personal checking account, though he’s not on this account. I go on base to buy some yarn and they ask me for my husband’s rank,” she said.
“In some military communities, housing rules are based on rank and not by the needs of your family. The house is not yours, it’s for the position. It’s just yours to borrow,” said Rachel.
Make it work
“Getting a job outside the government can be very hard because we change addresses so frequently, said Rachel. “Once they hear who you are and that you will only be in that location for two to three years, they do not want to hire you.”
Also, following a partner overseas may limit a spouse’s career opportunities. Even with the “spousal preference” rule there are not enough good jobs for well-qualified women.
Cheerleaders at home
All of those interviewed said they are proud of their husbands who serve the country, often risking their lives.
“You’ve got to have a cheerleader that lifts you up and helps you through it,” said Burnett. (Anna Lewinska-Kopper is a military spouse and volunteer with the U.S. Army Garrison Wiesbaden Marketing Office)
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