Army looks to relocate Pentagon
April 1, 2010
WASHINGTON (April 1, 2010) -- Top Army officials unveiled plans early today to relocate the massive Pentagon building to the western part of Kansas sometime this summer.
"This move will be a huge undertaking, but we determined it was a necessary step as we realign our force structure," said one of the Army's top generals.
"Once we started investigating the possibility of the move, we determined that it was not only critical to our efforts, but that it would be good for our employees and the environment," the general continued.
The move, which is tentatively being planned for this August, will be one of the greatest undertakings ever attempted, according to the Wilbur Q. Johnson, who is a long-time Pentagon employee and who will also oversee the move.
"The move will take place in three primary phases," said Johnson. "Initially we will use a giant crane to lift the building onto a barge in the Potomac River. From there we will float the barge down the Atlantic Coast and into the Gulf of Mexico. Then, we will sail the Pentagon up the Mississippi River to just south of St. Louis. In the final stage, we will place the building on large flat-bed trucks and drive it the rest of the way."
"We aren't announcing exactly when we are going to do this for security reasons," said Johnson, "and we aren't announcing the final location either for the same reasons."
Although the final location hasn't been announced, interstate traffic in Kansas will be affected. "Those who drive on the interstate can expect significant delays. During this move, I-70 in Kansas will be closed to all traffic," Johnson warned.
Those who work in the Pentagon will only experience minor disruptions, according to Johnson. "We have sought the advice of the Navy and determined that we can just treat the building like a big ship as we move. All of the employees will basically be expected to pack as if they were going on a two-week trip and they will then remain in the building for the duration of the move," Johnson explained.
"We will make sure that we store enough food and water for the workers on that journey," said Johnson. "Additionally, we will maintain Internet connectivity via satellite during the move and use generators and solar panels for power."
On the day the move begins, Pentagon workers will be strongly discouraged from driving to work, as they will be unable to retrieve their cars, Johnson explained. "But, we will give building workers at least 72 hours notice before the move, so they can make the appropriate plans."
Editor's Note - This is really just an April Fool's Day joke. Everything in this story is fictional, including seeking the advice of the Navy. Have a great day.