VICENZA -- It's the question most parents dread: "Where do babies come from?" And it often comes at the most unexpected time. Children and adolescents are curious about lots of things, and the better we are able to provide them with open, honest information, the more they'll feel satisfied.
Whether it's talking about death, sex, divorce or difficult world events, the best approach is always a sincere and honest explanation.
When adults lie or make up fantasy stories about these real-life occurrences in an attempt to protect children, they risk confusing things or letting other people pick up the slack. Who better to explain your family's value system than you?
Whether your children are young and asking about what happens when people die, or older and asking about war, terrorism, bullying or supporting peers who are going through a rough time, your approach remains the same.
So remember these tips when it's time to discuss a topic that leaves you speechless or makes you squirm.
Age appropriate responses. Keep in mind the age and developmental stage your child is in. Use words that your child can easily understand and provide examples that make your message less abstract. Younger children often do best with concrete, but not too detailed, responses. Teenagers appreciate nuance, details and discussion.
Remember that you don't have to give it all up at once. Pay attention to what your children are asking and answer their question directly. When they're ready, they'll come back with more detailed questions. Learning about these kind of things is often an evolving process that grows with the child's ability to comprehend complicated or difficult topics. Keep lines of discussion open.
Don't make it up. Although children have great imaginations, they need concrete answers for real-life events. What happens when you die can be answered simply by explaining that when someone dies, their heart stops beating and they no longer can move or breathe. Children are a lot less squeamish about these thing than we adults are. If you're religious, you can add some thoughts on what your religious beliefs say about what happens when people die.
It's okay to say you don't know. Young children may think you're a magical being who knows and sees everything, but it's okay to admit it when you don't know the answer to their questions. Encourage your children's curiosity and model follow through by working with your child to find the answer.
Talking about scary world events: Make sure children and teens know that you are there to keep them safe. Don't let them watch endless news reports of gory events. Explain to them in age appropriate, simple terms about what happened, e.g., "some people got hurt because there was a fire," or "because a bad person wanted to hurt people." Reassure them that you will always do everything in your power to make sure they are safe.
Talking about difficult family changes: Reassure them that no matter what, they are loved. Tell them that what is happening has nothing to do with them, but is something between mom and dad (or whomever is directly involved). Be open and honest and give kids advanced warning about what is happening so that there aren't any big surprises.
Particularly for teens, keep lines of discussion open and make it a two-way street. They'll have questions, but they'll also already have some of their own opinions and will have gathered information from other sources. Ask what they know and discuss any misconceptions. Make sure they know they can come to you for information.
VanderBorght is a Child Development Specialist/Media Educator and Family Advocacy Program Parent-Child Educator and Emergency Placement Coordinator for U.S. Army Garrison Italy.
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