VICENZA, Italy -- When your children are young, you - the parents - are the main focus of their attention. They look to you as role models and they need loads of love, validation and security.
As they grow, some of that attention starts to turn outwards towards peers. Parents remain the most important pillar, but children also form meaningful friendship bonds with other children.
When puberty hits, friendship bonds can strengthen, but the biggest change is that peers suddenly become objects of potential romantic interest as well. Adolescence is a time of great experimentation in which children try out different identities and spend much of their time trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be.
Part of that journey may include exploring who the objects of romantic interest are: same sex, different sex or perhaps both? It can sometimes be hard to know how to help your children along their journey, but there are some important things to remember that universally ring true.
First, some background on sexual orientation and its origins.
Sexual orientation refers to the gender that a person is attracted to. There has been much research looking into what makes one person's sexual orientation different from another's. One message from that research is loud and clear: sexual orientation is not a choice and can't be changed. It also seems that parenting and other environmental factors do not play any role in determining whether someone will be attracted to people of the same sex or the opposite sex.
Instead, all signs point to biology. First, biologists have found homosexuality (or same-sex partner bonding) in a large number of other species including penguins, swans, grizzly bears, gorillas, monkeys and rams. Second, brain scans show some differences between homosexual and heterosexual humans and rams in the hypothalamus, a brain region often associated with emotions. Third, geneticists have found that there are slightly higher rates of homosexuality among identical twins (who share 100 percent of their genetic code), which may provide a partial explanation, but not the whole story.
And in studies with fruit flies, changing just a single gene can change their sexual orientation and behavior. Finally, scientists have looked at the prenatal environment, suggesting that hormones present in the womb may affect whether that future teenager will be attracted to males or females.
So, just like whether someone is right-handed or left-handed, sexual orientation is simply written into the code that makes a person who they are. The majority of the population has a majority sexual orientation, a.k.a. being attracted to people of the opposite sex. But roughly three percent of men and one or two percent of women have a minority sexual orientation, or are attracted to people of the same sex -- and it's not always easy to be different.
In fact, though most children have some inkling of their sexual orientation by middle childhood, many don't share their feeling until later in adolescence for fear of not being accepted. And as teens are coming to terms with who they are and learning about different ways of being, all teens may have questions or may feel the need to try on a few different identities before finding the one that's right for them.
Your role as a parent to a teen is exactly the same as it was when your teen was young. Though they may not show it in the same way as a cuddly toddler, your teen still looks to you to be a role model, and needs huge amounts of love, validation and security.
Here are some tips for providing those things to all teens, but especially those who may be experimenting with a minority sexual orientation. In the next edition of the Outlook, look for tips on talking to your children about difficult topics.
o Support your teens as they attempt to figure out who they are. Remember teens are experimenting, and who they are tomorrow may be different from who they are today. Give them room to explore before typecasting them.
o Make sure they know they are loved -- always, forever and unconditionally.
o Find out about support groups for your teen. Talking with others who are experiencing similar things be a great help.
o Get support for yourself. Find our local chapter of PFLAG, or other support group, and get advice from other parents who've been there, done that.
o Get educated. Learn about what your teen is going through.
o Engage. Talk to your teen about what he or she is experiencing. Remember to talk a bit less so you can ask questions and listen attentively to the answers more.
o Let your teen know how much you appreciate his or her trust and his or her struggle. Continue to make yourself available for open discussion and sharing.
o Ask your teen before you "out" him or her to other people. This is your teen's identity, not yours.
o Don't forget your teen is a whole person! His or her sexual orientation is only a part of who he or she is.
VanderBorght is a Child Development Specialist/Media Educator and Family Advocacy Program Parent-Child Educator and Emergency Placement Coordinator for U.S. Army Garrison Italy.
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