Domestic violence: love shouldn't hurt

By Col. Deborah B. GraysOctober 1, 2009

Domestic violence: love shouldn't hurt
(Photo Credit: U.S. Army) VIEW ORIGINAL

Commander's Corner

Garrison Commander

Fort McPherson & Fort Gillem

Nearly one-third of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, according to a Commonwealth Fund survey finding.

Sound shocking'

When you consider only one-quarter of all physical assaults, one-fifth of all rapes and one-half of all stalkings perpetuated against women by intimate partners are reported, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, the number of victims of domestic violence in the United States is staggering.

Domestic violence is abuse that occurs within families or between persons in a close relationship, including spouses, a boyfriend and girlfriend, a parent and child, same-sex couples and an adult child and elderly parent.

Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual and can involve property (such as destroying someone's belongings or forcing an adult to become economically dependent for his or her basic needs).

While we've all seen heartbreaking stories of domestic abuse on the news, many of us, sadly, have also experienced domestic abuse, either firsthand or through others.

Men can be victims of domestic abuse; however, most victims are women.

A U.S. Department of Justice report found that while women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are five to eight times more likely to be victimized by an intimate partner than a stranger.

Often, domestic violence victims suffer in silence. There are many reasons victims don't report the abuse, including embarrassment and experiencing or witnessing domestic violence as a child. The most common reason is fear of violence or death.

Almost one third of female homicide victims reported in police records are killed by an intimate partner - spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, according to the NCADV. And while the current level of abuse a victim is experiencing is painful, the fear that reporting the abuse could result in an escalated level of violence ensures continued silence for many. Yet historically, according to the NCADV, domestic violence escalates whether or not the abuse is reported.

Another reason victims often don't report domestic violence is that they are so often isolated, they feel trapped and can see no way out. Isolation is a key way abusers ensure they maintain control over their victims, and it can be easily fostered in the armed forces, where military families are frequently moved to locations where victims have no family or friends and where resources for assistance may not be as easily found.

The DoD has made domestic violence prevention an item of specific concern. Preventing abuse has been a long-standing issue in the military, resulting in an annual domestic abuse prevention month observance, the establishing of family advocacy programs, etc. Soldiers today face constant deployments, posttraumatic stress disorder, frequent household moves and more. These issues can cause servicemembers of levels of stress some may not be capable of managing in nonviolent means.

Many victims of domestic abuse, especially in the military, refuse to report violence or cooperate in investigations into violence for fear of damaging their spouse's career, according to an about.com story derived from the Armed Forces News Service and various DoD directives. As a military commander, I implore you to seek help, whether the abuser is a Soldier or a civilian.

Your health, and that of your children, if applicable, should be your first priority. Abusers and their adult victims often don't realize the effect that their volatile environment has on the young. The NCADV reports that not only do 30 to 60 percent of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household, but also that boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.

If you are a victim of abuse, know someone who is being abused, are an abuser or want more information on domestic abuse, call the staff of the Army Family Advocacy Program. You can find more information on domestic violence prevention in the military by visiting the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence Web site at www.ncdsv.org/ncd_militaryresponse.html. The NCDSV also provides links to DoD and specific military service domestic violence prevention programs at www.ncdsv.org/ncd_contacts.html.

In a world where we always need to be careful of violence, domestic violence stands alone in the degree of pure emotional pain it causes, because it is inflicted by someone the victim loves.

Take a stand against domestic violence, not just during October's National Domestic Violence Awareness Month campaign, but throughout the year.